Every agonizing second that passed left me more desperate.

I couldn’t dare to blink, lest I miss it

My heartbeat screams in my ears, waiting.

I can feel the anxiety hit me like a current pulling me under

Everything goes numb, there’s nothing left but me and the waiting

Anticipation becomes fear of the unknown

It was a mistake, I shouldn’t have sent it

I gasp. It’s almost over now.

My vision blurs as I try to focus on the glowing screen in my palm

She said yes.

Those shoes would look good with my Hoco dress.

I sigh, and add the shoes to my online shopping cart as I text my best friend a simple “thanks”

The TV show, “The Good Place” takes place in the afterlife for people who supposedly lived good lives. Each person there is given a perfect life, including a house and a soulmate. Eleanor, however, ends up in the Good Place by mistake, as she was an extremely selfish person on Earth. She decides to keep this a secret, only telling her soulmate, Chidi. She asks for his help in making her become a good person. Chidi, who spent most of his life studying ethics and morality, is conflicted and not sure whether he should help her or not.

In the second episode, the good people are offered the opportunity to learn to fly. When a group of people volunteer to clean up trash instead, Eleanor laughs to Chidi about their stupidity. He immediately volunteers the two of them to help clean up the trash. Eleanor is devastated, but Chidi says it is an act of selflessness that she must endure in order to be a good person. Throughout the episode, Eleanor is extremely envious of the other residents as she watches them learn to fly. Eventually, she sneaks away from cleaning and attempts to learn to fly. However, as soon as she lifts off the ground, she is struck down by a magically appearing trash storm.

While this scene could be written off as humor, it can also be interpreted with deeper meaning. Rain, for example, is often associated with cleansing. However, the trash coming from the sky falls on Eleanor as a way of keeping her out of the sky. As Eleanor is corrupted by her own selfishness, the storm prevents her from actually flying. The characters that are able to fly are free from guilt. Later in the show, Eleanor learns how guilty she actually feels about her past. She cannot fly in the scene because she is chained down by her own guilt. The garbage rains down on her, since it was her responsibility to pick it up, and she did not follow through. The trash with its paradoxical cleansing ability, keeps Eleanor from flying as she is not clean of her own guilt.

I’ve failed every personality test I’ve ever taken. This is due to the fact that I am entirely unable to assess my own personality. As idealistic as I can be, I find myself exaggerating good qualities that I may or may not have. On the other hand, I often fall into self deprecating behavior and convince myself I have all of the negative qualities. This leads to my personality tests reflecting who I’d like to be or who I think I am, rather than who I am.

I’ve taken Meyers Briggs personality test and gotten both ENFJ and INFP, however, if I had to choose one, I’d consider myself an INFJ. I don’t really like the Meyers Briggs test because my answers change depending on my mood, giving a fairly inaccurate depiction of my personality. While 16 may seem like a lot of different personalities, I think the test is much too limiting to truly define a personality.

The other day I took the enneagram test.It was actually a very intriguing test. I had received a 6w7. I think this personality test is a lot more accurate than any other I’ve taken. Unlike other tests, it does not box you into a single personality. In fact, your “wing” personality is another type that you may be closely related to it. It also gives insight into situations where a certain type might be influenced to behave differently. For example, a type 6 often is very loyal, but it is hard to gain their trust, as they are a very anxious person. However, when stressed, a type 6 might act more like a type 3, by craving success above all else. My “wing” personality is 7, which means I am future-oriented and have trouble focusing on a single passion/skill. I think that all of these ideas and nuances really make an interesting personality diagnosis, of sorts. It’s really hard for me to explain the scope of the test, because I don’t entirely understand it myself, but it is very interesting.

Despite all of this, I still have a very uncomfortable relationship with personality tests. In their nature, they make assumptions and typecast people. I don’t like their rigidness and incapacity to change. Especially in high school, people’s personalities are constantly fluctuating and changing. Personality tests I took 3 years ago are no longer an accurate picture of me, and I can assume tests I take today will not portray myself 3 years in the future. We are constantly bombarded with new information and experiences that can change us and how we view the world throughout our lives. Despite this, I still live reading about personality types and learning a little more about myself every time I find a new one.

If you do know your enneagram type, I’d recommend an artist called “Sleeping at Last”. His enneagram album has a different song for each personality type. The songs are really gorgeous and reflect each personality type in the lyrics and instrumentation. I would HIGHLY recommend listening to it, as all of his music is really pretty.

It is the best of sports,

It is the worst of sports,

It is the suffering of a midday practice,

It is the reward of a perfect race,

It is the flood of adrenaline,

It is the surge of exertion,

It is the achievement of a personal record,

It is the disappointment of a defeat,

It is the anticipation of the start line,

It is the perseverance until the finish line,

There is always so much of the race ahead of us,

There is always so much of the race behind us,

We refuse to be overcome by the struggle,

We resolve to endure by our strength.

It might only be a sport, but it might also be our life.

Throughout Tale of Two Cities, Charles Dickens uses the motif of resurrection to make the Biblical allusion to Christ. The book starts out with a mysterious message saying, “Recalled to Life” (Dickens 8). It is later discovered that after 18 years in prison, Dr. Manette has been released, or recalled to life. In Christianity leaving one’s sinful ways is like having new life. Therefore, Manette’s leaving his past behind him is like him having a new life. Manette comes back a different man than he was before. He is in need of Lucie’s help to return his sanity. Although, he has been forever changed and cannot go back to his life before it was marked by years in the Bastille.

Before Sydney Carton goes to the guillotine, parallels can be drawn between him and Christ. The night before Jesus dies, while his friends all fall asleep he stays awake and prays. Carton also denies sleep as he also knows what lies before him. Carton quotes Jesus saying, “I am the resurrection and the life, saith the Lord: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live and whosoever liveth and believeth in me, shall never die” (Dickens 219/ John 11:25-26). Carton quotes Jesus because he is about to sacrifice himself, just as Jesus did. While Carton originally starts out as a drunk, he finds new life, or resurrects, into a new person by choosing to sacrifice for someone else.

The use of resurrection in A Tale of Two Cities provides hope despite the devastating mood of death and destruction. It shows the hopeful spirit of the revolution and the people who found things and people that were worth sacrificing for.

Over the summer I went on a couple of college visits with my mother. Don’t ask me what college I’m going to because I have no idea. Every time I’m asked I give a random answer depending on absolutely nothing. As a result, every person that I know has an entirely different idea of what the rest of my life might look like. This strategy has left my future plans shrouded in a mist of confusion between my family and friends.

Regardless, in June, my mom and I visited two colleges: Letourneau and the University of Alabama. The idea was for me to see the differences between the two vastly different schools. While Alabama lured me in with their merit scholarships, Letourneau offered an amazing engineering program. Don’t ask me which school I preferred, because I still have no idea. I will probably give you an entirely different school to throw you off your rhythm. Now I’m not going to give you a synopsis of my college visits, as I’m pretty sure you know what most college visits are like. Instead, I’m going to tell you about travelling with my mom.

My mother, Adele Harbick, is an exciting person to travel with. If success was measured by knowledge of song lyrics and 80s movie quotes, Adele would be raking in more cash than McDonald’s. Our trip involved a lot of driving (not to mention the 10-hour detour to Arkansas to visit her friend) so this extensive song knowledge came in handy. Neither of us had ever been to the South before so a good part of our trip consisted of finding and trying the most Southern foods we could find. This food tasting was exciting and a great way to be adventurous. However, our hunger for adventure did not stop there.

When we found ourselves with extra time on our hands, my mom and I took to driving around to find weird things to explore during our travels. In Birmingham this led us to Vulcan, a giant statue of a Roman god that you can climb to the top of for amazing views of the city. We also found ourselves exploring Sloss Furnaces, an old iron blast furnace, turned into a museum. In Tuscaloosa, our adventurous spirit led us to accidentally finding ourselves in the middle of three different wedding preparations. Yes. On a separate occasion, we found ourselves driving around old abandoned buildings to take pictures. Each new adventure we got braver; a recipe for disaster. We drove under a bridge because “it looked fun” and ended up almost driving into what might’ve been a crime scene. There was also that time that what looked like an alligator swam up to the dock we were standing on.

Overall, travelling with my mom turned out to be one of the best parts of my summer. We bonded over our interest in old places, and got somewhat of a look into what college might look like for me.

My name is Chloe. Some refer to me as Charbick (no, my last name is not Charbick. It’s Harbick, keep up). The reason it took me so long to write this blog is not only because I’m extremely lazy, but mainly because I have no idea how to express who I am to a group of people that I feel like already know me. I’ve written numerous drafts of this post and all were equally terrible. Maybe it’s just me, but every one felt cheesy and forced.

Honestly, I’m not sure I really know how to explain who I am at this point. I’m definitely different from I who I was as a freshman, and I’m definitely different from who I will be in college. I guess I’m in some odd sort of transition phase that I hope will sort itself out. I guess I’ll start out with a softball answer that I hope will suffice as an introduction to who I am.

I’m Chloe and I’m a runner.

When I was in middle school, like all middle schoolers I was highly susceptible to peer pressure. As a result, I found myself joining the cross country team because all of my friends were on it. I’m not sure what possessed me to make this decision, since I was pretty sure that I hated running at the time. My only experience with it was the dreaded pacer test and mile that had destroyed most of the little self-esteem that I’d had. However, once I started running I couldn’t stop. Despite my coach’s disapproval, and the array of knee problems that plagued me, I loved the sport. Obviously, I’m still running now, and, luckily, I’ve said goodbye to my 30 minute 5k days. Now I consider running as a part of who I am because of the impact it’s had on my life. Not only has running given me some of my closest friends, but it’s given me have mental strength and endurance that I wouldn’t have otherwise.

My favorite book is “The Secret Garden” By Frances Hodgson Burnett. The book follows a girl who learns about empathy and kindness through reviving a long forgotten garden. The growing garden is a metaphor for her own personal growth. It is a story about healing and compassion that I’ve loved since elementary school and that I still enjoy reading now.

I apologize for the painfully cheesy excerpt about me, but it had to be done.